I went to the Shihad 30th anniversary tour gig on the weekend. I really love these guys, so much nostalgia from my teenage years drinking Rheineck on hay bales. I’ve seen them play a bunch of times, and in a previous life, have hung out with them at NZ music events. Side note for those that don’t know, I actually used to work as a TV presenter for a very short but very fun time, in radio promotions and for Warner Music (the record label) That was when they changed their name from shihad to Pacifier, to tour the states. I was around and engaged and a part of what was happening.
One night after an Edge (radio station) festival show I was at the bar and started chatting to a guy about how awesome Shihad were, as they headlined. He goes “so you know I’m in the band right? I’m Phil” I was drunk. And didn’t even click. We had some good chats that night, it was a night that stuck with me for a long time, and I had, many times imagined the chance to see him again, to see if he remembered it. He was a really good listener and we talked about spiritual beliefs and life challenges, music and creativity, it was such a cool experience, I really held on to that as a life highlight.
Well, on Friday I did get the chance to meet him again. and as I was trying to explain how we had known each other, I really fumbled my words. I was realising in that moment it might not matter that much. I didn’t want to come across super fan girl, and as the whole night unfolded, I realised that something I held as important, actually wasn’t that important. I mean, it was beautiful in the moment those years ago, but that’s enough. A replica didn’t occur.
I could have applied much more emotion and meaning to this second chance opportunity, but I feel so content in my present that maybe, finally, I don’t need to search the past for moments of validation.
Maybe I could have articulated my gratitude a little better. I could have explained how much I appreciated a deep and meaningful discussion in an environment that is notoriously flippant and often shallow.
I have a bad habit of downplaying myself and the meaning I bring to things. I could have done that better.
For a long time I’ve felt like those were my glory days. The best I’d done. I peaked early and failed. But what I realise NOW is my glory days. Whatever it is I’m doing in this moment. I feel like I’ve picked up where I left off then, as a 23year old tv presenter, passionate for music and creativity, sassy and quirky, on a life adventure as if I’ve never failed. The best thing about it, is I’m not as scared as she was.
It is what it was. What I’ve done is appreciated and let it go. Because I’m done with searching the past for moments of validation. My spiritual experience is right now.